* If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
* Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
* Dyslexics - Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
* Weight Watchers - Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
* Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt, some broken bottles and a dog turd into the bath.
* Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
* Girls - Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
* Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
* Sci-fi fans - Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
* Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
* Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate, Mr. KVL 741Y
* Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
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